I found this rant in my phone’s notepad. Pretty funny but probably not comedically bleeding edge. I don’t remember writing it, date says 2007. I miss having this much spare energy.

Stop telling me sharks are misunderstood

I understand sharks, Shark Documentary Asshole. They’re giant mouths in the water that eat meat. Why is it every time I record a show called “shark: ravenous monsters of the deep,” I know I’m going to spend 15 of the 44 minutes being lectured about my anti-shark attitude?

Listen. Here’s my position: they’re fucking sharks. They’re killing machines. Yeah, I get it, they prefer not to eat us. It’s usually an accident when they take an Australian surfer’s leg off. They thought he was a seal. Big fucking deal. Jesus Christ, guess what: I’m afraid of seals. They’re huge dogs in the water that eat fish. I’m scared of the fucking fish that seals eat. So, yeah, professor, I’m scared of the fucking thing that eats seals. Jesus Christ. I’m a monkey. Here’s some things I’m not afraid of:

Nuts

Berries

Female Monkeys

I reserve the right to have my fucking blood curdled at the thought of a 30 foot long monster fish with six rows of teeth the size of doritos.

How about this? I’ll be scared of fucking sharks and you be in love with them and we’ll see who lives a fuller life.

You know who else hates sharks? Dolphins. Seals. Sea Lions. Whales. In other words, every mammal that has ever seen one. Do you understand that dolphins are mammals, like us, that swim in the ocean, and enjoy chatting with us and frolicking, and when they see a shark, they ram it with their noses until it’s dead? Dolphins have a “zero tolerance” policy on sharks. Less sharks the better in a dolphin’s eyes. If you’re going to act like there’s all this beauty in the ocean, why don’t you side with the beautiful dolphins and be scared of sharks. Go chain yourself to a whaling ship if you love the fucking creatures of the deep so much.

Let’s put fucking sharks nearer the bottom of our pity list than…coral. Starfish. And fish that never eat people. Let’s save “shark hugging” for the year 6000, when there’s almost nothing left to do.

From what I hear, they’ll keep, right? Isn’t that one of the most amazing things about sharks? How resilient they are? Every shark special talks about how the species hasn’t changed in 8 billion years. By the way, um: nothing to brag about. Alligators are sooooo old. Sharks are sooooo old. Big fucking deal. Ants are older. Amoeba are older. Moss is fucking perfect. The guy that bangs on his cieling when I play my music too loud has been in this building for 20 years. So what. Seniority in a nut house just makes you a bigger nut.

We’re the state of the art. We’re primates. We won. I don’t see any bees making spaceships. If an asteroid big enough to destroy the planet was headed our way, we would decide which bees and which fish and which flowers get to come on the space ark. That means we’re “the man,” from the Latin mannus. That means that sharks are MONSTERS if we say they are.

Hey, listen: there’s species that aren’t threatened by sharks at all. Like those fuckers that suck onto the sides of sharks. Those guys must love sharks. Oh, gee, too bad THEY didn’t take over the planet.

Maybe they were too busy loving sharks.

Maybe that’s where shark loving gets you. Sucked onto the side of a shark. Living your entire life wishing the very best for a giant fish with a mouthful of knives and a brain smaller than a fucking mouse’s.

Fuck sharks. I’ve fucking had it.

And no it’s not because of fucking Jaws. Jesus Christ. Jaws was written because we were scared of fucking sharks.